maddy

WELL I HAVE TO SAY I BEEN TRYING TO POST AND REPLAY AND TWICE THIS WEEK I TRIED TO  WRITE A BLOG AND SHARE MY WEIGHT LOSE SUCCESS  FOR THE WEEK AND  , I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE HELL IT WENT AND  THEN I SEE IT POSTED  OLD BLOG  WHEN I FIRST COME BACK A WEEK AGO, AND I WAS EXCITED TO COME BACK OT THE SITE THINKING THE BLOGGING WILL HELP AND I WILL SEE SOME OLD PEOPLE THAT WERE HERE BEFORE AND I RESPONED TO BLOGS AND IT NEVER POSTED  AND WELL I THINK I AM JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE,.. I POST  AND ONLY CAN RECIEVE A REPLY BUT I LIKE TO REPLY TO ENCOURAGE OTHERS BUT, I DONT THINK  I WILL BE ON AS MUCH AS I WANTED, ANY SUGGESTIONS

Well for those who been around for a while , i am a returning after a long time , was even unsure i was going to be able to log in, but i am back and back at weight watchers and well i think i needed to  do this for myself this time, i have gained quite a few lbs and found myself up in the 230 section now and well been at weight watches for 3 weeks and lost 4.3 the first weel 3.4 the second week and been home with pneumonia the  past week so missed my weigh in this evening so i am going to talk myself through this, 

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 i  been reading blogs and trying to respond but still my  response is not going thru, so  i am hoping it can correct itself , but  i am not happy i enjoy responding to blogs just as much as i enjoy reading responsed myself, and dont want it to look one way, blogging is important ,  just as much as positive feedback is,but,,,,,i can feed back  grrrr.

let,s save those tatas girls and  make our mammo appts  this month., and what better month to remind yourselves then this month ,cancer awareness, guess you couldnt tell i am a captain to a   relay for life ,,, cancer awareness  advocate for  the american cancer society and being i was not able to walk this year and  form my team like i have  these past years i wrote  out a bunch of   neighborhood  volunteer envelope to help raise money for lymphoma leukemia   foundation  ,  every little bit counts, being my nephew just come home form the hospital battling leukemia at the age of 4 i  thought that might be a nice internal give back,

 anyway  being i can not diet well these past two week being i been down with pneumonia and starting i believe to be on my up swing and well shhhhhh,, let me not talk to soon because i thought that the other day and i felt like crap again, i been in the house eating all kinds of soups and drinking gingerale like its  going out of style , just hope these meds dont alter my weight lose any, but i know if i loet this week its becasue i been sick and not feeling much like eating at all.

well being its cancer awareness month and i volunteer for alot of organizations  like alzheimers assoc and  american cancer society,  and its just my thing to want to help others all the time,  i want to  volunteer for msyelf and  help myself and stick to something for myself, so this is kisck off week  for  myself as well lets  get cracking and    stop my legs form smacking  hehe just thought i would throw that in for fun,, hehe what a nut , i guess i been in the house to long starting to get slap  happy.and its only antibiotics could you imagine if they gave me narcotics  holy cow,,,

every time i answer a blog i scroll to the bottom and  my response is not there , is this happening to anyone else. or do i need to contact  someone

 Well i have to  say, i must surrender, i  wrote this whole blog the other day and it went off into  cyber space some where, and i told myself before i sat down, if that happens to me this time i was not  going to even write a blog anymore because i  am returning from being MIA for a long time,

Iam a habitual food offender and i am a pathological liar, and if there was such a person called the FOOD POLICE. i would need to be put in handcuffs. and would  be on parole for the rest of my life to have someone follow me around, to make sure i am not stealing extra calories

Actually I believe my reasons for being the way i am is because i  dont change my habits and when i start off and get off to a good start, it last till the next catastrophy happens in my life and i end up putting myself on the back burner once again always the care taker, but  that will never change, its something i  have always  been, and probably what i do best in life is care for others better then myself!

   My Dad  Had a stroke back in march, and  my Mother ended up in the hospital 5 days after for  6 weeks,. now i have both main characters in my life in the hospital and fighting for their lives and i am a friggin mess. i think i gained about 25 lbs in the course of 5 months having running here and there and every where, eating on the run, and not self positive talking myself to  make better choices it was just easier to eat on the run.running myself up into the 230’s my heaviest yet.

well my dad come home from rehab and never did regain any strength in his right side or his speech but we are managing to deal with what God has given us and  my mother is feel better but never bounced back since her surgery, well i can not begin to tell you the  slough of emotions that  i have been through since  march, i lost my boss my friend , my mentor,back in april to  cancer she lost her battle after 2 yrs she had such knowledge and wisdom, the kind of courage i would love tohave  the one who gave me strength that I Can….she was the type of person that  was a advocate for others and she fought for those who did… and no matter who disliked her she stuck to her guns. no matter how difficult at times it was.  and i will always miss her but will always admire her.

My hubby to be  ended up in the hospital not to long after my boss died again with atrial fib ,  the doctor come in and gave him this big long lecture on weight loss.  well regardless if he heard it or not  I certainly did..i joined weight watchers  again for myself and by myself about a 3 weeks ago and well  finally got my blinders on to take care of me now! my honey will benefit from my changes in our home, but until he is ready .. first week i lost4.3 second week 3.4 and well then  my guardian angel went out for a smoke.. because i been down with pneumonia for a week now and believe it or not i am having a hard time beating it.i am doing what the doctor says  who knows, so i turned 42 yesterday, and something happens to you in the forties,like a red light goes off and you have to wisdom and the strength to do what needs to  get done you been  wanting to do for years, needless to say this has been one heck of a year between my parents , on the brink of loosing my job, loosing my boss. i am not even going to ask whats next!

so all i could do is count my blessing and realize this much .. if it is to be it is up to me.. and me alone, i come to realize a little late in my life , if i want it i have to  do  or go get it.. knowone else could do it for me , no matter what in my life i want to accomplish , as full as your life maybe surrounded with  people  you love they  dont know what it is   i really want for myself, funny thing is i don’t even know at times , and you think at 42 i would  have it  down, its a mind game i play with myself think i  can bargain with myself if only….. i’ll be good and  start again tommorow. well we all know sometimes we just have to cut our loses because  tommorows never come.

 so my goal this week is to help myself and stop lying to myself, and take care of me, to take care of the task at hand and  rest and try heal  myself and get rid of this pneumonia and move on from there, i will  come and post and read and respond to post 2 times a week, because i did find that when i post i  do it for myself , not being selfish, but i see my thoughts maybe  knowone else understand what the hell i am talking about , but i got it..and well what happened to  me the other  day trying to correct  my spelling i lost my whole blog and so if you all can kindly correct my spelling  because  i think i am the world greatest typer till i look up and it looks like i speak another  language and i dont want to be discouraged and  lose  this long thought again!! so pardon my mess

I just can’t standz no more!!

well as if the past weeks haven’t been bad enough, one more thing had to just happen, i tell you it’s been years since things rolled like this in  our world, and well my fiance was rushed to the hospital,in A-fib, for those of you who have no idea what that is , it is  a extremely rapid heart beat, and i spent since thursday in the hospital with him,  i told him if he didn’t want to  start wedding plans he didn’t have to let me know this way!..trying to make fun of the subject, but i have to honestly share with you all…….I am Extremely exhausted and  it seems to be one thing after another, mike is home and safe now and i am taking care of him but he is  scared to death that  the A-fib will reoccur..one thing is he now recognizes what it feels like and he will go directly to the hospital if it happens again,.well my parents are ok..since the accident and well they still relive the scene with the lady flying out the window and unfortunately she did not live. and the ambulette driver , i believe is in big trouble, it will be a law case now, so the sega continues, and well i shared my one brother is going to foreclosure but the reality is going to try a quick sale before it foreclosures but a little to late, well she did a open house  yesterday and she opened the windows and unlocked the doors so people could help them selves in and out and well the real estate agent  neglected to lock the door when the open house was over and YEP!! guess what!! the house was burgularized,, as if his luck is bad enough, ..lord  i pray this black cloud leaves real soon, because i need a vacation…

so dieting……no watching what i eat …yes being aware of what i am  eating and no soda in about 3 months and i don’t even miss it, i  maintained the 7 lbs down. but i have to say it is the furthest thing from my mind.

i have to take care of whats at hand ….take care of things that are a priority and help those who need me most…in the process i am still keeping my goal  in sight.i thank you for those of you who have been following  my blogs and understand why i haven’t been a good buddy for now,  and when time allows and things settle down i will be  here to catch up on all of you importnant to me, in the meantime you do what you have to do and take care of yourselves and be happy, take the time for yourselves …..you never  know what tommorow brings.

Well .. things have been good for to long, and i always thank god, i have the people in my life to go through things with me,  it has been one bad thing after another, and well unfortunately it has come around to things going on for us.

so many things on pour plate to deal with, my brother divorcing loosing a home, my other brother loosing his job and also facing foreclosure, and i ask my self what next, two weeks ago my parents in a accident, and this week it’s my  time to add to the chaos,

 but i don’t share with my parents things because as old as you are your always there children, so i will share with them when all is said and done, after all i gave them enough deal with a long time ago. T.O.M has been here for over a month went to the  Dr. and i have to go for further testing, asked if it could possibly be my changes, and well  of course they say Possibly? but no definitive answer, of course they seem a little skeptical after the internal that there not sure and going for further testing  on the 5th, , and another test on the 19, and  not to mention my gall bladder acted up and i am going for a sono for that tommorow, so i suppose it is my time to deal.. and i have to say i believe i am in the funk because  even though i been a relatively  fluffy girl most my life and i hit forty in september and OH  MY GOD!! IT HIT THE FAN . and hasn’t stopped.but one good this is  , i have lost 7.5 lbs and haven,t given up on trying as challenging as it been to even lose weight these past 3 months i did not quit!!…this time will pass and be behind us soon and i just have to embrace it take care of it and move on..but going through the emotions and the stress is not easy when a big fat shake would help, but then make me sick to my stomache and it’s not worth being uncomfortable. so with that note i am going to  look at  a new week in a different light and take care of me this week.

Well, if it isn’t one thing its another, and maybe this is going to sound like venting and i have to say alot has been going on in my world to vent about, my parents got in a  fatal accident and the passenger who happen to be in a ambulette traveling to the doctors, was hit by a young girl who  ran a red light and  the passenger of the ambulette was ejected , and then ambulette hit my parents, Thank God there ok, but its a memory that will be with them for a long time,and the poor  family is suffering a loss of someone very special to them, and well needless to say i have been  doing ok,, but not 100%,i must  be pre-menapause,because ,Tom has been here for 3 weeks already and  don’t want to leave, calling the doctor today for that, and well needless to say seems like when your taking care of one thing the other things  seem to suffer and get neglected, like when you work long days and need to make the bills , who suffers the kids and the husband, and the person working those hours kills themselves, like my  poor brothers, lord they work there butts off, but  never see there family, sad,but the economy these days does not give people a chance to enjoy there lives. you try to make time, and do we really take care of ourselves like we should, sad but even dieting is expensive, you want to do the right thing and be good to yourself, but something always suffers,

No, i haven’t fell off the ban  wagon yet,, but i am going over the deep end, there are just some days that are so challenging and hard to get through, so you take a little bite to get you through the temptations so you don’t indugle and , i swear to you that little bit must be the  bite that consumes most the fat , and i know i should not have done this but i stepped on the scale and it said i am back up 2 lbs and i was like i should of ate the whole friggin thing with those results and i promise you  i have been good, cooking at home and now i been adding water to my day have not touched a glass of soda in 3 weeks and i am over that now,  my pms is really pissing me off, i am getting on my own nerves these days, i could tell myself f&*& off… anybody  ever have one of these weeks,  i was talking to a girl who had the lap band and   and she looks phenominal and i say damn why do i torture myself,   i try every thing and still have this yoyo syndrome gain and loose the same hundred lbs for 30 yrs and  i am getting mad at myself for even feeling like this , i have actually been cool calm and collective till yesterday, and well i guess i will hang in there till tuesday and see what the scale says then, grrr…….