maddy

I just can’t standz no more!!

well as if the past weeks haven’t been bad enough, one more thing had to just happen, i tell you it’s been years since things rolled like this in  our world, and well my fiance was rushed to the hospital,in A-fib, for those of you who have no idea what that is , it is  a extremely rapid heart beat, and i spent since thursday in the hospital with him,  i told him if he didn’t want to  start wedding plans he didn’t have to let me know this way!..trying to make fun of the subject, but i have to honestly share with you all…….I am Extremely exhausted and  it seems to be one thing after another, mike is home and safe now and i am taking care of him but he is  scared to death that  the A-fib will reoccur..one thing is he now recognizes what it feels like and he will go directly to the hospital if it happens again,.well my parents are ok..since the accident and well they still relive the scene with the lady flying out the window and unfortunately she did not live. and the ambulette driver , i believe is in big trouble, it will be a law case now, so the sega continues, and well i shared my one brother is going to foreclosure but the reality is going to try a quick sale before it foreclosures but a little to late, well she did a open house  yesterday and she opened the windows and unlocked the doors so people could help them selves in and out and well the real estate agent  neglected to lock the door when the open house was over and YEP!! guess what!! the house was burgularized,, as if his luck is bad enough, ..lord  i pray this black cloud leaves real soon, because i need a vacation…

so dieting……no watching what i eat …yes being aware of what i am  eating and no soda in about 3 months and i don’t even miss it, i  maintained the 7 lbs down. but i have to say it is the furthest thing from my mind.

i have to take care of whats at hand ….take care of things that are a priority and help those who need me most…in the process i am still keeping my goal  in sight.i thank you for those of you who have been following  my blogs and understand why i haven’t been a good buddy for now,  and when time allows and things settle down i will be  here to catch up on all of you importnant to me, in the meantime you do what you have to do and take care of yourselves and be happy, take the time for yourselves …..you never  know what tommorow brings.

Well .. things have been good for to long, and i always thank god, i have the people in my life to go through things with me,  it has been one bad thing after another, and well unfortunately it has come around to things going on for us.

so many things on pour plate to deal with, my brother divorcing loosing a home, my other brother loosing his job and also facing foreclosure, and i ask my self what next, two weeks ago my parents in a accident, and this week it’s my  time to add to the chaos,

 but i don’t share with my parents things because as old as you are your always there children, so i will share with them when all is said and done, after all i gave them enough deal with a long time ago. T.O.M has been here for over a month went to the  Dr. and i have to go for further testing, asked if it could possibly be my changes, and well  of course they say Possibly? but no definitive answer, of course they seem a little skeptical after the internal that there not sure and going for further testing  on the 5th, , and another test on the 19, and  not to mention my gall bladder acted up and i am going for a sono for that tommorow, so i suppose it is my time to deal.. and i have to say i believe i am in the funk because  even though i been a relatively  fluffy girl most my life and i hit forty in september and OH  MY GOD!! IT HIT THE FAN . and hasn’t stopped.but one good this is  , i have lost 7.5 lbs and haven,t given up on trying as challenging as it been to even lose weight these past 3 months i did not quit!!…this time will pass and be behind us soon and i just have to embrace it take care of it and move on..but going through the emotions and the stress is not easy when a big fat shake would help, but then make me sick to my stomache and it’s not worth being uncomfortable. so with that note i am going to  look at  a new week in a different light and take care of me this week.

Well, if it isn’t one thing its another, and maybe this is going to sound like venting and i have to say alot has been going on in my world to vent about, my parents got in a  fatal accident and the passenger who happen to be in a ambulette traveling to the doctors, was hit by a young girl who  ran a red light and  the passenger of the ambulette was ejected , and then ambulette hit my parents, Thank God there ok, but its a memory that will be with them for a long time,and the poor  family is suffering a loss of someone very special to them, and well needless to say i have been  doing ok,, but not 100%,i must  be pre-menapause,because ,Tom has been here for 3 weeks already and  don’t want to leave, calling the doctor today for that, and well needless to say seems like when your taking care of one thing the other things  seem to suffer and get neglected, like when you work long days and need to make the bills , who suffers the kids and the husband, and the person working those hours kills themselves, like my  poor brothers, lord they work there butts off, but  never see there family, sad,but the economy these days does not give people a chance to enjoy there lives. you try to make time, and do we really take care of ourselves like we should, sad but even dieting is expensive, you want to do the right thing and be good to yourself, but something always suffers,

No, i haven’t fell off the ban  wagon yet,, but i am going over the deep end, there are just some days that are so challenging and hard to get through, so you take a little bite to get you through the temptations so you don’t indugle and , i swear to you that little bit must be the  bite that consumes most the fat , and i know i should not have done this but i stepped on the scale and it said i am back up 2 lbs and i was like i should of ate the whole friggin thing with those results and i promise you  i have been good, cooking at home and now i been adding water to my day have not touched a glass of soda in 3 weeks and i am over that now,  my pms is really pissing me off, i am getting on my own nerves these days, i could tell myself f&*& off… anybody  ever have one of these weeks,  i was talking to a girl who had the lap band and   and she looks phenominal and i say damn why do i torture myself,   i try every thing and still have this yoyo syndrome gain and loose the same hundred lbs for 30 yrs and  i am getting mad at myself for even feeling like this , i have actually been cool calm and collective till yesterday, and well i guess i will hang in there till tuesday and see what the scale says then, grrr…….

  It’s been exactly 7 days since i started dieting and well i lost only 2.5 lbs , i admit maybe i have not been doing everything like text book, but i am doing it consistent and everyday planning and cooking healthy, bringing my lunch and this weeks goal is to add  more water to my goals, i know i shouldn’t expect weight to fall off , but i truly feel as if i had lost more then it shows on the scale,  i wanted more to show on the scale, but i have to take what i got and  be happy with that, i sometimes get impatient with myself i suppose that”s why i fall off the band wagon, i make excuses for myself of why i can have something to  snack on and  i will be good tommorow and start bargaining with myself then i am making deals with God… how ridiculous  am i… trying to make a deal with the lord like he was monty Hall and had a  great prize be hind door #1 for me,.. i usually would get down on myself and start all the stupid excuses, but this time i am ok.. i am not stressed about it and still continued on with my day, the same as i have the past week plan and  set another goal to incorporate, this week is adding water, last week was being consistent and writing in my journal.. and , its better  that i am doing something then nothing at all.. so this week i will not expect to much out of myself but to keep up with the 2 goals i have set for myself this week,.and have a great week

To be quite  honest with you i seriuosly even thought like that 2 years ago when i first started at buddy slim. and yeah i heard  and read it all about its our own choices and consequences and we need to be accoutable and take charge of our own life . and its a mind game and we know all the tools to have a successful weight lose, But theres something about blogging daily that is  like the journal i wrote in my life for  years. my thoughts, my feelings , my fears  and stressors, and it’s like  therapy for yourself,  you think about what your saying and sometimes  by the time your finished you already answered yourself, but nice to know  someones out there to catch ya when you do fall off, to say  hey! your only human, and your not alone.. and half the time i am sitting here  blogging are the times i would be  munching  on something that got me here in the first place. but  by the time i am done blogging the craving is  gone and i have worked through it, so thats  what blogging does for  me..

I can not begin to tell you how many times i have jumped on and off this  site today and i can not express how much  it helped  me to read and answer blogs  and it helped me through my  first day of my diet i had absolutely nothing to do , but Eat..

But did i NO!!

thanks to you all being here to support me and  write and share and i read and replied to some not all,  but i can not tell you how addicted i am and  i know if i stay on my program and think positive and  allow myself to feel comfortable to write and reply  and hope i am getting the right message to  most.  i am here  for myself as well as to hope i can help  someone else through my own experiences, i truly look foward to reading and i  don’t get upset  if i don’t get a reply as i have seen people  get hurt for not getting  a reply when they blog, but i  have learned is if you give you will get and if you answer others you will get answers back, so i am addicted to answering blogs and   adjusting to writing  them as well, they actually help  me talk to myself of what it is i am working through, usually on a day like today i would of consumed a million calories,  but i didn’t  !!! and the day is gone and i  did not defeat myself, i helped myself with a little help from my friends,((buddies))

Well  Someone pinch me..

i don’t know what has comeover me, but it is day 5 and  been consistent and planning , writing  in my journal and even taking tips to help keep variety in my  day,

might i sure to tell you  dr marc new what the hell he was doing when he created this site, because i need to plan this in to,, i come home  make dinner and sneak a peek to  read responses and respond then read blogs and write a blog and i have to say,, after all that i am pretty darn exhausted , i need to go to bed,

one goal a week this week it  is planning and i  journaled along with  it.. next week its add one more i will make a goal to  drink water one of kama’s suggestions and well i will move on to the next week when i get there.. in the mean time it for the moment, i am doing well and weigh in on tuesday, which i don’t expect big numbers. slow and steady.

but for those of you who had some tips and suggestions i will take them and  incorporate them if  i haven’t already, to my day..  and one day at a time….

for those of you  who have been a professional and full speed ahead, i am inquiring about tips of  the day, and going to list them as A RULE A DAY. so  for i don’t become a repeat offender and  loose my stamina and  keep up my momentum i am taking tips,, so care to share and respond back, and i will  incorporate one a day. to my journal. thanks for the support something about tis years bloggers really got my interest. thanks for the inspiration or maybe its my time to change..

OH MY GOD…… i didn’t even know i had that much pee in me… i think i got my daily exercise  .. up and down,  and i am squeezing doing my keigels  right now hoping i don’t wet myself by the time i finish  this blog…grrr…’anyway back on track,. and i  am writing before i read  tonight so i can go clean up the  kitchen with mike and we could spend sometime together.. but i honestly can share as i take this adventure one day at a time, one meal at a time  i don’t even think of  it at all,  mike cooked tonight while i was out helping a patient of mine organize her monthly medications , he cooked because we planned the meals ahead, and seems to be working out, actually for some reason today we felt like we even had more energy.  but he hasn’t said but i  heard him pissing like a race horse to today,shhh..he is helping me while i am helping him…just a little secret.. so let him think he’s  helping me. but in all reality i am helping myself, by planning. also makes life more organized to know what the next move is, so i truly hope your day was great one ,so let me release my bladder before i need a paddle my  way out, and  go catch up on some blog answering and have a great night