maddy

well isn’t that the truth ..keep it simple stuid

I had such an awesome day today nad i didn’t even think about anything, i went shopping friday made sure i had what i needed  for to  make some good choices for myself and then went on my merry weekend, and i have to say what a great weekend i had, i kept it simple for me and  today i  got up ,, did what i needed to do around the house  picked up my 3 yr old  niece went shopping and we love wal mart!! and  went to the super market for some  things  i need for a special lunch at work, and and then went strawberry picking and  we come home and prepared and cooked dinner and well the whole day gone wala!! with out a thought, now if everyday could go like this some days i think about every little morsel,, and someday i glide right through, go figure!!

so for today i had a great day!!

Well to be honest with you all i actually think blogging was just a bunch of hoopla!

when i first started i was like this is just a bunch of  people have nothing better to do with themselves  then , write stories about there life and i was reading stories that had  nothing to do with weight lose, and was saying to myself after a few days of reading.whats the hell is this going to do for me.so i said to myself i am going to type something  and well got myself into a habit of doing it every day  and  was for msyelf to view myself , and listen to myself and what is bothering me  that given day  and believe it or not its not a diet that bothers me its things outside of myself, so i was doing that for a few weeks and i see some regulars  on here that are here sharing all the time, but it really  does help to write things  down ,  a  journal of emotions on line and people write back if they feel the need,  i use to get offended  if i write and knowone answers but , thats because i got my own answer that day! and just had to validate it myself, and well  i stopped blogging  back in april and recently  come back  this week, and i realize how much i need to hear myself and i need read on others blogs and see what  i might get back from it and if i can relate, and alot of times just having something in common i can relate.  i use to write in a diary since i was 16 and stopped about 4 years ago, and i wonder why, i look back on those  journals and  can actually in my mind re-inact the moment thats how profound i wrote to capture the moment in a memory,  so belive it or not and it might be just  blogging and reading what people have to say  has already made a difference, i started increasing my water like tom started, and fighting off the snacks at work, and blogging to share my  dirt , but it’s all  for my own peace of mind, because saying it getting it up and getting it out, helps!!well needless to say all this  has  really impacted my week because i lost 2 lbs i think by being unconsiously conscience. in other words not aware i was changing,.. and well i know this week being back sharing my life and those of you who been around awhile know i recently got engaged, and mike and i are very excited about our summer and all the plans we made for vacations and looking foward to camping, which is fun and where i get my most exercise. i know if i change little things it will consume  be to enthuse me to change bigger things, i think i am getting  motivated now!! thanks again for all of you who do really religously answer my blogs they are always taken whole heartedly , have a great night all and a safe weekend

.Well hello everyone.

hope all is well with the world today and things are better in your neighborhood yesterday we had a little 3 yr old drown in the neighbors pool, what a tragedy and things dont seem to get any better for that family and neighbor because yrs ago she lost a brother to the same thing and  the baby she lost yesterday was named after him, so sad,…so  all you saw was media  vans all over, and  thats torturous.. but speaking of tortous,, i been beating myself up  about alot of things latley i need to do, and i am the only one who has the power to do it because its myown inner fight and struggle, i think i am hitting a age, they say this happens when your creeping up on 40. i will be 39 in september, and  i am in a cycle where i am looking for a change, like  carrier, house, not sure.. but i  can see something happening, besides marriage thats the evitible being i just got engaged ,and  feel blessed everyday, having him, he is my rock and common sense, and i can bouce things off of him and he answers me honestly, and supportivley, so i can do just about anything and he wil guide me andsupport whatever i choose, but i always need to feel comfortable with what i am doing. and always second guess myself,but i  feel i need to change something, i get real short fast with people sometimes, and can cut them short with no remorse or hrt feelings, and i dont even look back, i guess its a part of growing older and life getting faster, like in a git r done mode!i suppose,well i guess thats why i am dragging my ass on starting this diet, ,grrrrrrr……. i should of went out fishing with mike on the boat, i wouldn’t be here dwelling on silly stuff…  but i need some time to myself as well, ,,,,,,,ok enough of me and my life of no nonense, becasue i will be in this funk most likely till i decide to change it,, have a blessed night

,,,ugh  if i can only express to you the stress i been having at work in regards to a presentation i been working on for weeks and now its at its criticing stages and knowone like to be criticized, especially a mad owmen on the brink of loosing her mind over this project, and tom is coming to visit but do to stress!! it hasn’t come in 3 months grrrrrrr,always happens when i gain weight and over 220. i don’t know why , jusy how my bbody works, i am suppose to be skinny maybe who the frig knows, but i been in this damn mood of wanting to  chop someones head off, and need chocolate and then salt like  a pregnant women, byt the way have no fears,, not happening here, we already decided we like our freedoms and at 40 yrs old i am not chasing no baby!! i probably just put the hex on myself ,  for all i know!! it might be the answer to all my mood swings , i would just!!!chit!! and go off the deep end …you all would never hear form me again!!kids are great and all but if iwas younger say !! 32 or so then maybe i would consider!! but  it hasn,t happened . yet!! so anyway back to my crazy days and  the final  presentation was completed this morning, and will be given in saratoga on the 26/27th of june, its way past the dead line and i am freaking out, about it,, but who knows maybe they will still accept it. i believe my weight gain has  had alot to do with the stress i been under at work,  i can not focus and  thats not good for a yo yo dieter, feels like i am hungry all the time. i make myself  sick!!!. well any loks like a real nice evening i am going to go and get some things done around here and see whats going on in mikes life today, have a blessed night all

hey hey !! get your mind out of the gutter!..not play like that!!,,well i suppose we got the ramifications of what some of you are getting as a tropical storm....its was monsoons out there almost all day  and was not able to get one thing i planned on doing done. .i did write a blog earlier but guess what!! yeppers off to cyber space some where got pissed and shut the compter off. becasue all my thoughts were just as iwas experienceing for that given moment and i was not about to rewrite what i forgot,because i do not remember as i think i  say it, in the momentanyway, let me give you the run down of my day1 as much as i would of liked to have given you a positive report, i just don’t got it in me to really start anything,my mind says yes!! my body says no!! i feel hungry all the time lately, even after i just ate! what the frig is that all about!! like i am eating for me and you!..grrrrrr.but i actually am going to truly try tommorow , i did stop off at the diet center, what the heck are they kidding 150 $ to register and 35 dollars a week not including food!i was like later!go figure pay someone all that to tell me how to eat. and i need to buy there vitamins and protein bars,, i better really evaluate myself and make a change for myself,i need to get mad enough to make a change and make it a life style, so.bear with me as i sound like a broken record for a while , because it was not long ago i was here doing the same thing i am just bigger now, and it pisses me off i have no will power….what a friggin mind game i play on my self like i  can do a barter system, with my mind and my fat!! please if i can eat this pint of ice cream i will be good all week!! yeah rightyeah right it don’t work like that with this body…a minute on my lips is a life time on my hips ..but lets see what tommorow brings i have aleardy planned my day and meals so ,,one meal at a time.. and i have my water,, and if it is not raining,, i might even go for a walk!!

Well my friends  …..

I can not begin to tell you how disquisted i am in myself!…

since our cruise in april.i have been on a mental vacation ever since, and actually had good intensions of going back to weight watchers and never did, started the gym and went twice, and really have been going to hell with myself and had put back on at least 20 lbs  with out  given it any thought, as well as mike he actually  think put on a few more ,so we do it together whatever we do, but this is one thing we are regreting, we both have a difficult time loosing weight. and well its summer and we did it again!!

no will power all play no structure, and we are an active couple, camping ,vactioning, but i never wear a bathing  suit and he  never will take his shirt off when we go anywhere, even if he is drop dead HOT!! and well i am dissapointed  in myself because by this time i wanted to have at least lost 20 lbs and not put it back on!we creeped some old habits back in, eating out every night when we were doing so good cooking every night which actually was fun!. and snacking before bed! and soda is back in the house,which was another thing we stopped for a while..

so…i have a real hard mission to get uncomfortable enough to change what habits  i have created to get back to this again!! and i need to make is simple, so i don’t loose interest!.I noticed when your heavy.as a women it plays a mental game    for me, i don’t feel good in anything i wear and my hair  looks like  hell, and i have more chins then a chinese telephone book and more rolls then a italian bakery! and i don’t want to do anything with other people just stay in my comfort zone,sex is something  that even  becomes an effort because its to much exercise, and well even accepting a invite to big events is a challenge because of that damn uncle , who always says you have such a pretty face if only you would loose some weight , i want to do a jimmy super fly snuker and jump the bastard, but its the truth, and it hurts, so here i am back  where i didn’t want to be. and feeling like crap once again, not able to wear all the summer clothes i bought for myself last year and fatness is expensive. but on a good note, i am healthy and  very happy my life is forfilled and mike and i will start wedding plans  in september, and most likely going to sell my house buy another one that suits both our needs, ( a man and his toys)!!madonna mia,, it never ends..life is busy and thats a good thing