maddy

Well …….little did i know how fast i would become addicted again to blogs and reading and i love everyone from the happiest to the saddest sob story to the drama, i can read, and well.and i have some drama stories myself… but  there are some that really  hit me and make you think, and i haven,t been around in a while but it  so nice to see that alot of those who impressed me are still here and hung in there.. like wonder woman, kama, dawn,bebe, and now i am bulding up my buddy list again after deleting everyone to start over again,  i use to get offended when i would blog and knowone would answer but then i said to myself i don’t answer everyone i read either.. but i am going to take i slow and  one baby step at a time and to let you know i haven’t gained everything back but most everything, so here i go again and i will be back to read and blog again tommorow and well to all those i don’t respond to i truly enjoy in general the caring to share with the rest of the world, your experience and sometimes just to get on and vent helps!!! good luck this week and  hugs

Well pictures certainly tell  the truth, ugh.. yesterday  mikes brother got married and mike and i were in the wedding party.. wow.. i wanted to  cry when i seen those pictures,  sometimes reality sucks… and the truth hurts and well i look in the mirror everyday but never  do did really look as  did  when i seen it in pictures yeterday,  didn’t know i was that large,, the dress was lemon greeny like and i was looking like a watermelon with legs..didn’t ever view myself as that huge before, but i seen it for myself… and the proof is in the pictures,i suppose those full length mirrors in the house are not  real,, because i stand in front of the mirror everyday putting on make up and putting on clothes, but i suppose i never really looked. i viewed myself thinner in my mind, and well even though i was all dressed up  i still didn’t feel    good in this dress certainly was not a dress for a heavy set person which i always been chubby, and never viewed myself as attractive ,well this picture actually confirmed both,, it really is depressing, well i created this hump and i  been down so many path  to  losing weight and learned every tool ,but what is it that i can not apply and comply with  keeping it up and when i get to finally feeling like i  am doing good, i go right back off and gain more then i lost!.. funny thing was when i was 138 lbs i felt like i needed to loose weight ,  and well i did and then went off a diet i gained it back and more then this whole journey become  a issue(sure wish i was that fat again) i can live with 138. so every time i go off and on diets i gain  more then when i started and i grew to be this watermelon i saw in pictures, and well along with the weight comes all the insecurities, the ugly girl syndrome, i don’t want to do anything with anyone else, i am worthless, and the fat ugly girl syndrome, isn’t enough obviously to keep me from the buffett table, so here i am again.. plotting another ploy to try and try again to come up with another game plan, to diet, and  stick to programs,.. so by tuesday i need to collect my tools and put it into play, and have fun with it..soooooooo,..here i go again… hope you all have a great week

Well  hello everyone, to start off on the good side, have no idea, what the hck happen to this day but lord  emotions are  flying high and everyone seems to be on a short fuse, and like little powder kegs, today , not to mention my fuse was short also, couldn’t wait for the day to end, and well i suppose alot of exhaustion doesnt help the emotions in anyway! my future brother in law is getting married saturday and well i am  in the wedding party with mike, and well would of been nice to have lost some weight for this dress, that happens to be like lime green and i look like a friggin watermelon in it, and well thats what happens when you let  yourself go, i have started over and over again and i am not  truly ready to diet, so if you don’t mind until i am ready to join ya, i am just going to hang around and  chat, and listen maybe one day the red light will go off again and i will start counting calories and writing in my journal, which i take back and forth with me every day to work, and well do you think i would even pick it up! ahhhh that’ll be a No!! and don’t ask  why i know all the right tools to be the best weight watcher in the world!! but  do i apply myself, no… and well i  have no answers and well i am inone of those fustrated moods today and well, i suppose i will  go on and read  what everyone else has to say and hope you all havea  great weekend,

I realized i haven’t been around in a long time and looks like  the buddies except for a few are not around anymore and so i cleaned my buddy list to start a new, sometimes it’s ok to go back to the basics, and form new friendships and  well  alot has gone on in the past few months that has been emotionally draining, and learning to balance life   and family and just my own emotions as well, and the biggest fear i have is the thought of loosing my job i have worked  for the county for 22 yrs and well re-inventing myself now at almost forty, not quite there yet! september..mike and i are both turning forty with in 19 days of eachother, and well he also works at the same job i do for over 20 yrs and it kind of putting a new twist in our life, its scarey, and well we certainly have grown accustome to our life together and very comfortable, but the fear of both of us loosing our job together scares the shit out of both of us, we see around us in my own family my one brother hanging in there by the skin of his teeth and then other going through a sad divorce and my other brother making the choice to leave and move to another state , he just can’t make it anymore here, and well for the first time in my life, i feel like i am going to feel exactly what they are living, they always had seasonal job and no insurance , i always had health insurance and a steady stable job and always wondered how are they going to make it, and now i fear , what i  always wondered, i can not stress about what has not actually occured, but it sure puts our lives on hold!  sad thing is i feel like i am loosing grip, on my own comfort zone, what was is going to change , its the most unsettling gut wrenched feeling thining , along with loosing our jobs , goes along so many other things, how do i pay for my house, car, and bills, and i suppose i will be forced to change,, ugh… change is scarey, and well being human is about adjusting and adapting to your enviroment, but..when it doesnt, interfer in what truly makes me  comfortable like my bills being paid and not living from pay check to pay check, like my parents, who made it look easy, but with raising 4 kids back then was easy,and theres rules in life now, not like when we were younger, i was perfectly safe walking around the block,now i need eyes around my head,,,same blocks… because i live in the same neighborhood, but its so different,  everyone is gone and changed grown and keeping  up with the rat race of life. one thing after the next, no time for family quality time, its a wonder why divorce is so on the rise, who has time to get to know eachother, and communicate…so if we could only go  back to the basic and keep life simple sure would be nice, but it would take a miracle, so i have been so not myself, and like maria shiver said on oprah the other day”who am I”.. i suppose  i will find out and  learn to do other things other then my normal 9-5 and i notice the more events happening in my life the more introverted i become and less i share and talk with others, and  so so many negative things happening in my surroundings and i am generally the one  they turn to for stability and i can honestly say,,i  can not help..i don’t even make sense to myself?and as much as i would love to be there as i always was, my state of mind if scattered and my mind is always going and sometimes i  think and say my God,……..life is suppose to get better as we get older and you work so hard to make your life what you want , and i know nothing last forever, nothing!! i learned that when i divorced my 1st husband and he cheated on my and broke my heart and i felt so many emotions all at once, and well i managed to pull through even better then  ever, its that type of fear, life is getting more tough and money  doesnt go far anymore,.and everything cost so much… and i keep saying i am not going to stress over a job i havent lost yet!! but its in my mind, and i try not to listen to everyone around me talking about it, well  thanks for allowing me to vent,, and i can honestly say i dont think its the end of my venting, i know someone out there has been in my shoes before, and knows exactly what i am going through and reinvented themselves and lived to share

wELL IT’S BEEN QUITE A WHILE SINCE MY LAST BLOG AND LORD KNOWS IF I EVEN REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT ANY MORE THINGS CHANGED SO MUCH, BUT ONE THING THAT HASN’T IS MY WEIGHT ACTUALLY IT HAS, AND NOT IN THE WAY I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT, BUT IT HAS BEEN ME FOR  ABOUT 15 YEARS AND AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO JUMP OFF THIS ROLLER COASTER , I USE THE EXCUSE OF LIFE AND IT’S STRESSERS ALLOW ME TO EAT, THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE AROUND WHEN I USE TO BLOG ,KNOW IWAS ENGAGED IN FEBRUARY OF LAST YEAR AND NO PLANS HAVE BEEN MADE, AND IT’S OK.. WE BOTH BEEN MARRIED BEFORE AND WELL NO RUSH NOW, WE HAVE BEEN THREW ALOT THIS YEAR ALOT OF TRIALS AND CHALLENGES WITH  ALOT OF  YOUNG FAMILY MEMEBERS DYING AND A FEW FRIENDS AND WELL WE ARE FACED WITH MORTALITY ALOT THIS YEAR AND KIND OF MAKES YOU WONDER, MIKE HAD BEEN DEALING WITH THESE HEADACHES HE BEEN EXPERIENCING FOR A YR NOW AND WELL STILL BACK AND FORTH TO THE DOCTOR, AND WELL FOR ME I HAVE THE FORTY FAT AND FEMALE SYNDROME ,,MEANING I NEED TO GET  MY GALL BLADDER REMOVED , SOON AND WELL THEN WE  ARE FACED WITH  WEDDING ,AND PARTIES EVERY WEEKEND THIS SUMMER , AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS BUT IS EVERYONES CALANDER FULL THIS SUMMER, NOT A MOMENT TO BREATHE AND  I EVEN FORGOT TO WRITE A COUPLE OF THINGS DOWN AND  DOUBLED BOOKED MYSELF,, HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

BUT IT SURE IS NICE TO SEE SOME OF THE OLD TIMERS STILL  HERE AND WELL I DON’T KNOW IF I WILL BE BACK AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE BUT IT  I HAVE TO SHARE THIS BLOGGING WAS   GOOD THERAPY FOR ME AND ACTUALLY DID HELP IN MY WEIGHT LOSS, BUT JUST GETTING IT UP AND OUT AND SHARING IS CARING, AND WELL I HOPE EVERYONE IS WELL.