maddy

Yes,.. i have been here and there and everywhere and well going to hell with myself or shall i say  not watching a thing i do and living on the edge and knowing the consequences i  was going to pay when i stepped on the scale again, part of me says frig it… I’m Happy and part of me says  told ya so!!! and  so here i am heavier then i have ever been in my entire life and  the truth of it is,, it truly sucks and i have no excuses but i am lazy,, i guess you can say!! i don’t watch a thing i eat mike and i go out all the time and well we had our 40th birthday bash and guess what!! we got 1000$ in restraunt gift certificates, can you imagine what that looks like first off and well we used alot of  them and we take everyone out to dinner which is alot of fun to be able to treat others, but we have got to get control.. mike has  not been healthy since last october and weight actually has played some  part of his illness, we are getting older faster getting fatter, and well just what fat people need gift cards restraunts, and well i know i have  myself to  blame, and  i know the tools and i say this all the time, but i truly  need to reach out for support to help myself, and blogging is great and well sometimes its just not enough, i need to be accountable for my own actions and commit.. its the holidays and i already have an excuse.. its like a downward spiral. and  need to get it off my chest, to dig deep , i been on this site before and did very well  blogging and it was like getting it up and getting it out, i had a buddy i was always in contact with but she left not to long after and never returned so i am going to fill my buddy list again with friends but everyone seems to be gone except for a few,but i am not consistant either so, i need to be true to you as well as myself, tommorow is a new day..i think alot has to do with life events and  i  automattically put me down and  made everything first, my job is still in jeapordy after 22 yrs  they want to lay  us off,  mikes been sick, i hurt my back, and my brothers all got something detremental going on in there worlds with children it’s harder, sometimes i am blessed i am unable to have babies, .. life with kids  looks wonderful but it has to be real hard and scarey, because your choice is there as well.. and well ones  going through a wicked  seperation, ones loosing the house,  this economy is hurting alot  of people i love and it hurts, so i stuff it down and deal,  so i need to learn to take care of me… and  my mother said something  that hit me, she said you are a aunt with 5 nieces and nephews not a aunt with 5 kids, i always go the extra mile to make the kids feel special but i just can’t do it anymore, and well i feel alot   sadness i love making   others   days especially my nephew who lost his mom when he was 2 and well i like  being there for them all  so i  put  alot on myself i know, and  theres no reason why i can’t take care of them and  myself..   ok i am excusing again so shut me up!! and i  will be back again  this week sometime