maddy

Well, if it isn’t one thing its another, and maybe this is going to sound like venting and i have to say alot has been going on in my world to vent about, my parents got in a  fatal accident and the passenger who happen to be in a ambulette traveling to the doctors, was hit by a young girl who  ran a red light and  the passenger of the ambulette was ejected , and then ambulette hit my parents, Thank God there ok, but its a memory that will be with them for a long time,and the poor  family is suffering a loss of someone very special to them, and well needless to say i have been  doing ok,, but not 100%,i must  be pre-menapause,because ,Tom has been here for 3 weeks already and  don’t want to leave, calling the doctor today for that, and well needless to say seems like when your taking care of one thing the other things  seem to suffer and get neglected, like when you work long days and need to make the bills , who suffers the kids and the husband, and the person working those hours kills themselves, like my  poor brothers, lord they work there butts off, but  never see there family, sad,but the economy these days does not give people a chance to enjoy there lives. you try to make time, and do we really take care of ourselves like we should, sad but even dieting is expensive, you want to do the right thing and be good to yourself, but something always suffers,

No, i haven’t fell off the ban  wagon yet,, but i am going over the deep end, there are just some days that are so challenging and hard to get through, so you take a little bite to get you through the temptations so you don’t indugle and , i swear to you that little bit must be the  bite that consumes most the fat , and i know i should not have done this but i stepped on the scale and it said i am back up 2 lbs and i was like i should of ate the whole friggin thing with those results and i promise you  i have been good, cooking at home and now i been adding water to my day have not touched a glass of soda in 3 weeks and i am over that now,  my pms is really pissing me off, i am getting on my own nerves these days, i could tell myself f&*& off… anybody  ever have one of these weeks,  i was talking to a girl who had the lap band and   and she looks phenominal and i say damn why do i torture myself,   i try every thing and still have this yoyo syndrome gain and loose the same hundred lbs for 30 yrs and  i am getting mad at myself for even feeling like this , i have actually been cool calm and collective till yesterday, and well i guess i will hang in there till tuesday and see what the scale says then, grrr…….

  It’s been exactly 7 days since i started dieting and well i lost only 2.5 lbs , i admit maybe i have not been doing everything like text book, but i am doing it consistent and everyday planning and cooking healthy, bringing my lunch and this weeks goal is to add  more water to my goals, i know i shouldn’t expect weight to fall off , but i truly feel as if i had lost more then it shows on the scale,  i wanted more to show on the scale, but i have to take what i got and  be happy with that, i sometimes get impatient with myself i suppose that”s why i fall off the band wagon, i make excuses for myself of why i can have something to  snack on and  i will be good tommorow and start bargaining with myself then i am making deals with God… how ridiculous  am i… trying to make a deal with the lord like he was monty Hall and had a  great prize be hind door #1 for me,.. i usually would get down on myself and start all the stupid excuses, but this time i am ok.. i am not stressed about it and still continued on with my day, the same as i have the past week plan and  set another goal to incorporate, this week is adding water, last week was being consistent and writing in my journal.. and , its better  that i am doing something then nothing at all.. so this week i will not expect to much out of myself but to keep up with the 2 goals i have set for myself this week,.and have a great week

To be quite  honest with you i seriuosly even thought like that 2 years ago when i first started at buddy slim. and yeah i heard  and read it all about its our own choices and consequences and we need to be accoutable and take charge of our own life . and its a mind game and we know all the tools to have a successful weight lose, But theres something about blogging daily that is  like the journal i wrote in my life for  years. my thoughts, my feelings , my fears  and stressors, and it’s like  therapy for yourself,  you think about what your saying and sometimes  by the time your finished you already answered yourself, but nice to know  someones out there to catch ya when you do fall off, to say  hey! your only human, and your not alone.. and half the time i am sitting here  blogging are the times i would be  munching  on something that got me here in the first place. but  by the time i am done blogging the craving is  gone and i have worked through it, so thats  what blogging does for  me..

I can not begin to tell you how many times i have jumped on and off this  site today and i can not express how much  it helped  me to read and answer blogs  and it helped me through my  first day of my diet i had absolutely nothing to do , but Eat..

But did i NO!!

thanks to you all being here to support me and  write and share and i read and replied to some not all,  but i can not tell you how addicted i am and  i know if i stay on my program and think positive and  allow myself to feel comfortable to write and reply  and hope i am getting the right message to  most.  i am here  for myself as well as to hope i can help  someone else through my own experiences, i truly look foward to reading and i  don’t get upset  if i don’t get a reply as i have seen people  get hurt for not getting  a reply when they blog, but i  have learned is if you give you will get and if you answer others you will get answers back, so i am addicted to answering blogs and   adjusting to writing  them as well, they actually help  me talk to myself of what it is i am working through, usually on a day like today i would of consumed a million calories,  but i didn’t  !!! and the day is gone and i  did not defeat myself, i helped myself with a little help from my friends,((buddies))

Well  Someone pinch me..

i don’t know what has comeover me, but it is day 5 and  been consistent and planning , writing  in my journal and even taking tips to help keep variety in my  day,

might i sure to tell you  dr marc new what the hell he was doing when he created this site, because i need to plan this in to,, i come home  make dinner and sneak a peek to  read responses and respond then read blogs and write a blog and i have to say,, after all that i am pretty darn exhausted , i need to go to bed,

one goal a week this week it  is planning and i  journaled along with  it.. next week its add one more i will make a goal to  drink water one of kama’s suggestions and well i will move on to the next week when i get there.. in the mean time it for the moment, i am doing well and weigh in on tuesday, which i don’t expect big numbers. slow and steady.

but for those of you who had some tips and suggestions i will take them and  incorporate them if  i haven’t already, to my day..  and one day at a time….

for those of you  who have been a professional and full speed ahead, i am inquiring about tips of  the day, and going to list them as A RULE A DAY. so  for i don’t become a repeat offender and  loose my stamina and  keep up my momentum i am taking tips,, so care to share and respond back, and i will  incorporate one a day. to my journal. thanks for the support something about tis years bloggers really got my interest. thanks for the inspiration or maybe its my time to change..

OH MY GOD…… i didn’t even know i had that much pee in me… i think i got my daily exercise  .. up and down,  and i am squeezing doing my keigels  right now hoping i don’t wet myself by the time i finish  this blog…grrr…’anyway back on track,. and i  am writing before i read  tonight so i can go clean up the  kitchen with mike and we could spend sometime together.. but i honestly can share as i take this adventure one day at a time, one meal at a time  i don’t even think of  it at all,  mike cooked tonight while i was out helping a patient of mine organize her monthly medications , he cooked because we planned the meals ahead, and seems to be working out, actually for some reason today we felt like we even had more energy.  but he hasn’t said but i  heard him pissing like a race horse to today,shhh..he is helping me while i am helping him…just a little secret.. so let him think he’s  helping me. but in all reality i am helping myself, by planning. also makes life more organized to know what the next move is, so i truly hope your day was great one ,so let me release my bladder before i need a paddle my  way out, and  go catch up on some blog answering and have a great night

Today is day 2 and still gung ho and going strong, picking up stamina and figured this time i will do things different and change things up. i fat proofed the house and stocked the shelves with all the good foods, i planned meals ,wrote  my goal for the month is to make a habit of planning ahead meals, and well  need i mind you mike and i don’t  ever stay at home to eat, we are childless and generally just go  out all the time,be comes quite expensive and well i see this is going to be a good thing and a challenge for  my culinary  skills UGH…but i am embracing it and not looking at it like a chore, and actually a chance to rejuventate my relationship i have enjoyed cooking these 2 nights and we actually enjoyed sitting  at home,i also sat after dinner for quite sometime reading buddy blogs, i did the booty dance with nanc,and took myself  back in time to where i literally hated where i was in a marriage and faced with the biggest  heartache in my life. only to look back it as the biggest lesson in my life. took a angry walk/run with someone and realized how  madness makes  you move. and shared a mothers anxiety of  her  daughters  life  and the only thing  i thought was holy  s*&t i want a icecream to make me feel better. but in all reality i actually enjoyed reading kama  going down 14 pants sizes and nancy readjusting her goal to challenge her self and  lbs away from her own personal goal and  i also see my buddy  friends list growing, and well i am going to embrace this new journey as a  positive challenge and see thats it is really not exactly about weight its about life.. and i care that becky’s grandpa is faced with a life  threatening illness and wish her strength to all that he is faced with,i see i am not alone on this path, and  i will take one day at a time.. small steps.. i can not over whelm myself and loose interest, one thing at a time, i will have vulnerable days and good days, but i need to keep my goals in mind  for those days i am going to be searching  for excuses, and  need to put some thing in my sight to keep myself on track, but for today, i did it.. and for that i am thankful and to those of you whose stories touched me in more ways then you know, i thank you  buddies(hug)

First off Happy New year..

 And secondly i  vowed to not make a new years resolution. this is the year of it is what it is.., planning i learned.sometimes never pans out and just doing it seems to work,

well let me share something i truly never really thought i would do but yes.. I cried for the first time in my life like a baby , and truly seen what i am and who i am, i never really viewed myself as big as i am, and well even in pictures i seem to manage to smile, and well was going snow tubing with the whole family  last sunday  in pa. figured .ok let me get a warm coat even though i live in new york , you think i would be prepared for all seasons, I have coats and boots but not  the kind to keep warm the ones that are more dressy and i suppose that’s why i never seen myself always trying to disguise myself and wear  clothes and dress nice, so even though i am fat i still can be style “freeze my butt off”.well i went to buy a  coat  and boots to keep warm not for fashion and well i was mortified and so upset i could not find a coat to keep warm in a sports store for the life of me and well, i have to share after 5 stores we ended up at walmart, and resorting to  fitting into a  mans one piece size 2x, and huge on the top and just looked like  “oh my God”  Look What i look  like.. HUGE . I stood in front of the mirror and tried to  tuck and suck and no matter what i did, it just could not be disguised..It Is What It Is..confirmed exactly what i been feeling in the inside fat, ugly ,horrible about myself  and there was no hiding it and  and i need to get a grip, well finally after a rude awakening i finally got it.. i finally opened my eyes to i have control and no sense crying, i did this and  i need to pull it together and  do something about it, i come home and cleaned the cabinets and refrig of everything that needed to go, and went shopping for everything i need to have, planned a week  meals and today with the attitude of i have to do what i  have to do, and stop making excuses, and nobody could help me . this time, i need to be accountable for my own choices and consequences, as much as everyone tried to make me feel better, i know what i need to do. one small goal at a time, and change one thing at a time. this will not happen over night , but i need to keep what i want in sight. and well i never want to feel like i did that  night, it took a tantrum in the middle of a store to make me say .Just do it ,, don’t wait for anyone, you  know what to do you done it before, have someself worth and help yourself , i suppose my typical personality, help others before i do  for me, well putting myself on the back burner got  me me feeling worthless, so i need to work on me this  time, might seem selfish and shallow but i need to take care of me to help others . well let take it one day at a time and i will  check in again soon..