maddy

Today is day 2 and still gung ho and going strong, picking up stamina and figured this time i will do things different and change things up. i fat proofed the house and stocked the shelves with all the good foods, i planned meals ,wrote  my goal for the month is to make a habit of planning ahead meals, and well  need i mind you mike and i don’t  ever stay at home to eat, we are childless and generally just go  out all the time,be comes quite expensive and well i see this is going to be a good thing and a challenge for  my culinary  skills UGH…but i am embracing it and not looking at it like a chore, and actually a chance to rejuventate my relationship i have enjoyed cooking these 2 nights and we actually enjoyed sitting  at home,i also sat after dinner for quite sometime reading buddy blogs, i did the booty dance with nanc,and took myself  back in time to where i literally hated where i was in a marriage and faced with the biggest  heartache in my life. only to look back it as the biggest lesson in my life. took a angry walk/run with someone and realized how  madness makes  you move. and shared a mothers anxiety of  her  daughters  life  and the only thing  i thought was holy  s*&t i want a icecream to make me feel better. but in all reality i actually enjoyed reading kama  going down 14 pants sizes and nancy readjusting her goal to challenge her self and  lbs away from her own personal goal and  i also see my buddy  friends list growing, and well i am going to embrace this new journey as a  positive challenge and see thats it is really not exactly about weight its about life.. and i care that becky’s grandpa is faced with a life  threatening illness and wish her strength to all that he is faced with,i see i am not alone on this path, and  i will take one day at a time.. small steps.. i can not over whelm myself and loose interest, one thing at a time, i will have vulnerable days and good days, but i need to keep my goals in mind  for those days i am going to be searching  for excuses, and  need to put some thing in my sight to keep myself on track, but for today, i did it.. and for that i am thankful and to those of you whose stories touched me in more ways then you know, i thank you  buddies(hug)

First off Happy New year..

 And secondly i  vowed to not make a new years resolution. this is the year of it is what it is.., planning i learned.sometimes never pans out and just doing it seems to work,

well let me share something i truly never really thought i would do but yes.. I cried for the first time in my life like a baby , and truly seen what i am and who i am, i never really viewed myself as big as i am, and well even in pictures i seem to manage to smile, and well was going snow tubing with the whole family  last sunday  in pa. figured .ok let me get a warm coat even though i live in new york , you think i would be prepared for all seasons, I have coats and boots but not  the kind to keep warm the ones that are more dressy and i suppose that’s why i never seen myself always trying to disguise myself and wear  clothes and dress nice, so even though i am fat i still can be style “freeze my butt off”.well i went to buy a  coat  and boots to keep warm not for fashion and well i was mortified and so upset i could not find a coat to keep warm in a sports store for the life of me and well, i have to share after 5 stores we ended up at walmart, and resorting to  fitting into a  mans one piece size 2x, and huge on the top and just looked like  “oh my God”  Look What i look  like.. HUGE . I stood in front of the mirror and tried to  tuck and suck and no matter what i did, it just could not be disguised..It Is What It Is..confirmed exactly what i been feeling in the inside fat, ugly ,horrible about myself  and there was no hiding it and  and i need to get a grip, well finally after a rude awakening i finally got it.. i finally opened my eyes to i have control and no sense crying, i did this and  i need to pull it together and  do something about it, i come home and cleaned the cabinets and refrig of everything that needed to go, and went shopping for everything i need to have, planned a week  meals and today with the attitude of i have to do what i  have to do, and stop making excuses, and nobody could help me . this time, i need to be accountable for my own choices and consequences, as much as everyone tried to make me feel better, i know what i need to do. one small goal at a time, and change one thing at a time. this will not happen over night , but i need to keep what i want in sight. and well i never want to feel like i did that  night, it took a tantrum in the middle of a store to make me say .Just do it ,, don’t wait for anyone, you  know what to do you done it before, have someself worth and help yourself , i suppose my typical personality, help others before i do  for me, well putting myself on the back burner got  me me feeling worthless, so i need to work on me this  time, might seem selfish and shallow but i need to take care of me to help others . well let take it one day at a time and i will  check in again soon..

Heard on the radio this morning , a list of ten things that truly  make people genuinely happy and you  will be suprised to know. it’s not being  beautiful and as skinny as a model…because people would rather be truly happy then pretty,

and it’s not money….people   feel internally happy giving then   being rich

 they say millionares are not truly happy because  people who volunteer and give of themselves  are more forfilled in life. then someone who is rich and don;t know  what to truly do with leisure time ( although it wouldn’t hurt having money) hehe..

 but the list truly made sense  they mentioned that  as we get older we are more happier in life , and deal with life  in a more bias less stressed way because you  lived through life experiences. so  80’s don’t look to bad…  you will be truly happy then

but to be quite honest with you i know i blog and bitch about how i can not get on the band wagon,but in all reality i am not unhappy with my life, just want to  lose some weight to enjoy more in life and be around to reach 80 to be totally  in peace , and say wow ! i did it all…

 i learned  that when you play you pay later, and sometimes  watching every little thing you do gets old at times and just want to enjoy and well thats what i have been doing  for the past 5 years, living….

 i went through a wicked divorce 10 yrs ago and been on a roller coaster  of life   and met some real assholes along the way,

but now. i am in a spot i am comfortable in and with someone i truly call my bestfriend, and we been going through some health issues and  need to really step it up to enjoy  our time together as a couple, we fill our lives with fun and new adventures , love traveling and camping bought a trailer and we live at the beach most the summer, we have  quads and   love fishing on the boat,we volunteer and mike a fireman and member of the coast guard aux. I volunteer for the  nursing home

 so.tell me for two active people…. why the hell are we fo fat. i just don’t get it..

but we are Happy.. go figure,..

so not really complaining just want this for the two of us,, so i will be here blabbering away till i jump in and hold myself accountable for my own actions and  make eating a good habit

Well ….no the fertile your thinking of either so don’t even go there,

 I have to say i think i am falling apart…. not only did i turn forty and my aches and pains are kicking in but i woke up a gall bladder as well. OUCH..

 I don’t know if your aware .. if your forty, fat and fair your gallbladder will most likely flair.

Gee’s ..us women can not catch a break no how no way!!

well i know i wrote about my excuse s last week and well this week i am just falling apart, and well i know one day soon i will just hop in and diet with you all but as far as today, i haven’t even tried and i have some pretty good goals to lose weight for, like a wedding, and a great keys vacation, to look foward  to…..but i have not put myself first.

i learned some pretty horrible habits like eating late and fast, and we go our at least 4 nights a week and i  like to cook when i do,  and i snack in between

  and i am the heaviest i have ever been in my life and i feel it also, and the gall bladder  is something i  gained but i lost my feet, tying my shoes is a daily task,  sad….. but i guess not to sad because i am  still just writing it and not  doing it,, i suppose the teacher will appear when the student is ready!! i am slow!…so i am going to enjoy this week and see what  i will change this week have good week everyone

Yes,.. i have been here and there and everywhere and well going to hell with myself or shall i say  not watching a thing i do and living on the edge and knowing the consequences i  was going to pay when i stepped on the scale again, part of me says frig it… I’m Happy and part of me says  told ya so!!! and  so here i am heavier then i have ever been in my entire life and  the truth of it is,, it truly sucks and i have no excuses but i am lazy,, i guess you can say!! i don’t watch a thing i eat mike and i go out all the time and well we had our 40th birthday bash and guess what!! we got 1000$ in restraunt gift certificates, can you imagine what that looks like first off and well we used alot of  them and we take everyone out to dinner which is alot of fun to be able to treat others, but we have got to get control.. mike has  not been healthy since last october and weight actually has played some  part of his illness, we are getting older faster getting fatter, and well just what fat people need gift cards restraunts, and well i know i have  myself to  blame, and  i know the tools and i say this all the time, but i truly  need to reach out for support to help myself, and blogging is great and well sometimes its just not enough, i need to be accountable for my own actions and commit.. its the holidays and i already have an excuse.. its like a downward spiral. and  need to get it off my chest, to dig deep , i been on this site before and did very well  blogging and it was like getting it up and getting it out, i had a buddy i was always in contact with but she left not to long after and never returned so i am going to fill my buddy list again with friends but everyone seems to be gone except for a few,but i am not consistant either so, i need to be true to you as well as myself, tommorow is a new day..i think alot has to do with life events and  i  automattically put me down and  made everything first, my job is still in jeapordy after 22 yrs  they want to lay  us off,  mikes been sick, i hurt my back, and my brothers all got something detremental going on in there worlds with children it’s harder, sometimes i am blessed i am unable to have babies, .. life with kids  looks wonderful but it has to be real hard and scarey, because your choice is there as well.. and well ones  going through a wicked  seperation, ones loosing the house,  this economy is hurting alot  of people i love and it hurts, so i stuff it down and deal,  so i need to learn to take care of me… and  my mother said something  that hit me, she said you are a aunt with 5 nieces and nephews not a aunt with 5 kids, i always go the extra mile to make the kids feel special but i just can’t do it anymore, and well i feel alot   sadness i love making   others   days especially my nephew who lost his mom when he was 2 and well i like  being there for them all  so i  put  alot on myself i know, and  theres no reason why i can’t take care of them and  myself..   ok i am excusing again so shut me up!! and i  will be back again  this week sometime

Well …….little did i know how fast i would become addicted again to blogs and reading and i love everyone from the happiest to the saddest sob story to the drama, i can read, and well.and i have some drama stories myself… but  there are some that really  hit me and make you think, and i haven,t been around in a while but it  so nice to see that alot of those who impressed me are still here and hung in there.. like wonder woman, kama, dawn,bebe, and now i am bulding up my buddy list again after deleting everyone to start over again,  i use to get offended when i would blog and knowone would answer but then i said to myself i don’t answer everyone i read either.. but i am going to take i slow and  one baby step at a time and to let you know i haven’t gained everything back but most everything, so here i go again and i will be back to read and blog again tommorow and well to all those i don’t respond to i truly enjoy in general the caring to share with the rest of the world, your experience and sometimes just to get on and vent helps!!! good luck this week and  hugs

Well pictures certainly tell  the truth, ugh.. yesterday  mikes brother got married and mike and i were in the wedding party.. wow.. i wanted to  cry when i seen those pictures,  sometimes reality sucks… and the truth hurts and well i look in the mirror everyday but never  do did really look as  did  when i seen it in pictures yeterday,  didn’t know i was that large,, the dress was lemon greeny like and i was looking like a watermelon with legs..didn’t ever view myself as that huge before, but i seen it for myself… and the proof is in the pictures,i suppose those full length mirrors in the house are not  real,, because i stand in front of the mirror everyday putting on make up and putting on clothes, but i suppose i never really looked. i viewed myself thinner in my mind, and well even though i was all dressed up  i still didn’t feel    good in this dress certainly was not a dress for a heavy set person which i always been chubby, and never viewed myself as attractive ,well this picture actually confirmed both,, it really is depressing, well i created this hump and i  been down so many path  to  losing weight and learned every tool ,but what is it that i can not apply and comply with  keeping it up and when i get to finally feeling like i  am doing good, i go right back off and gain more then i lost!.. funny thing was when i was 138 lbs i felt like i needed to loose weight ,  and well i did and then went off a diet i gained it back and more then this whole journey become  a issue(sure wish i was that fat again) i can live with 138. so every time i go off and on diets i gain  more then when i started and i grew to be this watermelon i saw in pictures, and well along with the weight comes all the insecurities, the ugly girl syndrome, i don’t want to do anything with anyone else, i am worthless, and the fat ugly girl syndrome, isn’t enough obviously to keep me from the buffett table, so here i am again.. plotting another ploy to try and try again to come up with another game plan, to diet, and  stick to programs,.. so by tuesday i need to collect my tools and put it into play, and have fun with it..soooooooo,..here i go again… hope you all have a great week

Well  hello everyone, to start off on the good side, have no idea, what the hck happen to this day but lord  emotions are  flying high and everyone seems to be on a short fuse, and like little powder kegs, today , not to mention my fuse was short also, couldn’t wait for the day to end, and well i suppose alot of exhaustion doesnt help the emotions in anyway! my future brother in law is getting married saturday and well i am  in the wedding party with mike, and well would of been nice to have lost some weight for this dress, that happens to be like lime green and i look like a friggin watermelon in it, and well thats what happens when you let  yourself go, i have started over and over again and i am not  truly ready to diet, so if you don’t mind until i am ready to join ya, i am just going to hang around and  chat, and listen maybe one day the red light will go off again and i will start counting calories and writing in my journal, which i take back and forth with me every day to work, and well do you think i would even pick it up! ahhhh that’ll be a No!! and don’t ask  why i know all the right tools to be the best weight watcher in the world!! but  do i apply myself, no… and well i  have no answers and well i am inone of those fustrated moods today and well, i suppose i will  go on and read  what everyone else has to say and hope you all havea  great weekend,

I realized i haven’t been around in a long time and looks like  the buddies except for a few are not around anymore and so i cleaned my buddy list to start a new, sometimes it’s ok to go back to the basics, and form new friendships and  well  alot has gone on in the past few months that has been emotionally draining, and learning to balance life   and family and just my own emotions as well, and the biggest fear i have is the thought of loosing my job i have worked  for the county for 22 yrs and well re-inventing myself now at almost forty, not quite there yet! september..mike and i are both turning forty with in 19 days of eachother, and well he also works at the same job i do for over 20 yrs and it kind of putting a new twist in our life, its scarey, and well we certainly have grown accustome to our life together and very comfortable, but the fear of both of us loosing our job together scares the shit out of both of us, we see around us in my own family my one brother hanging in there by the skin of his teeth and then other going through a sad divorce and my other brother making the choice to leave and move to another state , he just can’t make it anymore here, and well for the first time in my life, i feel like i am going to feel exactly what they are living, they always had seasonal job and no insurance , i always had health insurance and a steady stable job and always wondered how are they going to make it, and now i fear , what i  always wondered, i can not stress about what has not actually occured, but it sure puts our lives on hold!  sad thing is i feel like i am loosing grip, on my own comfort zone, what was is going to change , its the most unsettling gut wrenched feeling thining , along with loosing our jobs , goes along so many other things, how do i pay for my house, car, and bills, and i suppose i will be forced to change,, ugh… change is scarey, and well being human is about adjusting and adapting to your enviroment, but..when it doesnt, interfer in what truly makes me  comfortable like my bills being paid and not living from pay check to pay check, like my parents, who made it look easy, but with raising 4 kids back then was easy,and theres rules in life now, not like when we were younger, i was perfectly safe walking around the block,now i need eyes around my head,,,same blocks… because i live in the same neighborhood, but its so different,  everyone is gone and changed grown and keeping  up with the rat race of life. one thing after the next, no time for family quality time, its a wonder why divorce is so on the rise, who has time to get to know eachother, and communicate…so if we could only go  back to the basic and keep life simple sure would be nice, but it would take a miracle, so i have been so not myself, and like maria shiver said on oprah the other day”who am I”.. i suppose  i will find out and  learn to do other things other then my normal 9-5 and i notice the more events happening in my life the more introverted i become and less i share and talk with others, and  so so many negative things happening in my surroundings and i am generally the one  they turn to for stability and i can honestly say,,i  can not help..i don’t even make sense to myself?and as much as i would love to be there as i always was, my state of mind if scattered and my mind is always going and sometimes i  think and say my God,……..life is suppose to get better as we get older and you work so hard to make your life what you want , and i know nothing last forever, nothing!! i learned that when i divorced my 1st husband and he cheated on my and broke my heart and i felt so many emotions all at once, and well i managed to pull through even better then  ever, its that type of fear, life is getting more tough and money  doesnt go far anymore,.and everything cost so much… and i keep saying i am not going to stress over a job i havent lost yet!! but its in my mind, and i try not to listen to everyone around me talking about it, well  thanks for allowing me to vent,, and i can honestly say i dont think its the end of my venting, i know someone out there has been in my shoes before, and knows exactly what i am going through and reinvented themselves and lived to share

wELL IT’S BEEN QUITE A WHILE SINCE MY LAST BLOG AND LORD KNOWS IF I EVEN REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT ANY MORE THINGS CHANGED SO MUCH, BUT ONE THING THAT HASN’T IS MY WEIGHT ACTUALLY IT HAS, AND NOT IN THE WAY I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT, BUT IT HAS BEEN ME FOR  ABOUT 15 YEARS AND AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO JUMP OFF THIS ROLLER COASTER , I USE THE EXCUSE OF LIFE AND IT’S STRESSERS ALLOW ME TO EAT, THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE AROUND WHEN I USE TO BLOG ,KNOW IWAS ENGAGED IN FEBRUARY OF LAST YEAR AND NO PLANS HAVE BEEN MADE, AND IT’S OK.. WE BOTH BEEN MARRIED BEFORE AND WELL NO RUSH NOW, WE HAVE BEEN THREW ALOT THIS YEAR ALOT OF TRIALS AND CHALLENGES WITH  ALOT OF  YOUNG FAMILY MEMEBERS DYING AND A FEW FRIENDS AND WELL WE ARE FACED WITH MORTALITY ALOT THIS YEAR AND KIND OF MAKES YOU WONDER, MIKE HAD BEEN DEALING WITH THESE HEADACHES HE BEEN EXPERIENCING FOR A YR NOW AND WELL STILL BACK AND FORTH TO THE DOCTOR, AND WELL FOR ME I HAVE THE FORTY FAT AND FEMALE SYNDROME ,,MEANING I NEED TO GET  MY GALL BLADDER REMOVED , SOON AND WELL THEN WE  ARE FACED WITH  WEDDING ,AND PARTIES EVERY WEEKEND THIS SUMMER , AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS BUT IS EVERYONES CALANDER FULL THIS SUMMER, NOT A MOMENT TO BREATHE AND  I EVEN FORGOT TO WRITE A COUPLE OF THINGS DOWN AND  DOUBLED BOOKED MYSELF,, HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

BUT IT SURE IS NICE TO SEE SOME OF THE OLD TIMERS STILL  HERE AND WELL I DON’T KNOW IF I WILL BE BACK AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE BUT IT  I HAVE TO SHARE THIS BLOGGING WAS   GOOD THERAPY FOR ME AND ACTUALLY DID HELP IN MY WEIGHT LOSS, BUT JUST GETTING IT UP AND OUT AND SHARING IS CARING, AND WELL I HOPE EVERYONE IS WELL.